Gue lelah!

The heat is continuing.

I find myself losing my self confidence at last, when a friend breaks a promise alias melanggar janji.

I don’t know apakah karena janjiannya dengan gue maka dia merasa it is fine to do that, or karena emang dia punya habit ga bisa memenuhi janji. I just don’t know, but when it happened several times, then I guess it is because it is me whom he made a promise to.

I’m losing my self confidence, dan gue sedih banget karena ternyata pernyataan gue kemungkinan benar. Once I told this friend that I’m not a significant friend for him; gue toh jarang dianggap sama dia. I thought I was wrong when this person replied, ‘who avoid you anyway?’

Bukan cuma sekali ini janjian ketemuannya batal terlaksana gara2 dianya punya janji lain. Okay, I’m just an old friend. Not the important one. Dia selalu punya janji2 yang lebih penting untuk ditepati daripada dengan gue. Gue sadar lah, gue bukan siapa2, pertemuan dengan gue sih bisa nanti2 aja, walaupun gue udah janjinya dari jauh2 hari. Berhubung dia tinggal di luar kota, mungkin ada orang2 lain yang lebih jarang ketemu dia daripada gue, so it is more important to meet them first. Actually, the real problem is not that; the problem is that he never told me that he had another meeting. This friend always left me behind, knowing nothing. Finally I always try to forget that he has forgotten we had an appointment to meet.

This is happened to me again today. Yesterday, I thought we had made an appointment to go hang out, since this friend told me he will be back to Jakarta for two days before headed back to the city he lives in. I have only a day, because I have to go to Bandung on Sunday. I was planned to go Saturday, but since he convinced me to go on Sunday, then I agreed. Malemnya, karena gue baru janjiannya sehari sebelumnya, I might ‘keduluan’, so I tried to confirm everything twice last night. But my message didn’t get a reply.

I tried again this morning, I even called, but he didn’t answer. That’s the time I started to worry if there’s anything happen to his cellphone, apa ilang, atau abis pulsa, or even he’s on something? I don’t know. So I messaged to the other number, which he finally replied.

Then, seperti yang bisa ditebak, temen gue ini udah ada janji lain, dan dia baru bisa pergi sama gue sore2an. Itupun belum pasti.

Trus kenapa ya dia ga ngasitau lebih awal, baru ngasitau belakangan, itupun sesudah gue SMS dia? Apa dia lupa punya janji dengan gue? Atau karena janjiannya dengan gue makanya dia merasa itu ga apa2?

Gue samasekali lupa dengan kebiasaan dia yang suka lupa bahwa dia punya janji dengan gue (as I told before bahwa gue selalu mencoba melupakan itu, krn seorang teman harusnya melupakan kebiasaan buruk temannya dan ngedoain supaya jadi lebih baik).
If I bring this up to him, I’m too afraid for being told as selfish, childish, or even too demanding. While, again, I’m just a friend. Not more than that.

But anyway, I slightly brought this thing up to this friend, bilang bahwa gue toh ga pernah dianggap. That was when he told me, “Who avoid you anyway?”

Akhirnya, dia bilang dia akan ngasi kabar jam 12 karena takut melanggar janji. I told him that I’ll wait. Nah, gue ga tau ya 12nya tuh siang atau malem, karena sampe gue nulis posting ini jam 5 sore, dia ga ngasi kabar apapun.

Apakah gue punya hak untuk kesal? Is it any wrong if I want to meet my friend, a friend who lives far away now? Is it any wrong if I want to spend a little more time because we rarely have time to hang out together?

At the end, gue jadi kehilangan kepercayaan diri gue. Apakah gue segitu ga pentingnyakah sampe dia bisa dengan gampangnya lupa bahwa gue ini ada? I guess I am… Dia bahkan lupa untuk ngabarin gue jam 12. I even checked my phone’s network just to make sure the network is fine so I won’t miss the message because of bad networking.

Gimana dia bisa memenuhi janjinya untuk pergi sama gue kalau bahkan janji untuk ngabarin aja dia ga bisa?
Apakah gue bisa menuntut hak gue sebagai teman?
Is it fine kalo gue mengalah dengan pikiran mungkin dia saking sibuknya sampe lupa ngabarin?
Apakah gue terlalu mengalah?

I decided to shut up. I decided to do nothing. Gue ga akan SMS untuk bertanya. I’m tired. If I’m not that important, then I guess I don’t have right to angry.

I also try to control myself when I find, this minute, the person is in YM, which he chooses to do instead of messaging me..

That's it. Gue lelah!